Motherhood is truly a gift. From the time I became pregnant in 1995, I knew that the miracle of life growing inside of me would have a huge impact on my life, but I had no idea what that meant at the time.
Fast forward almost 14 years and two children later and I don't feel that I am much better at my job then I was then. This calling is always changing...(darn those children...they grow up!! ) :) Each stage of their life requires me to learn more and adjust to the stage that they are in at the moment. Motherhood is so difficult, but so rewarding.
I remember the night of June 15th, 1996 very clearly...almost as if it was yesterday. Dan and I were up late that evening with pregnancy books all over the bed. We were trying to decide if I was really in labor or not!! By 3 a.m, I had decided that even if I wasn't, we were going to the hospital to find out!! By 10:30 on June 16th, I had given birth to Landon Daniel who weighed 7lbs exactly with black hair and brown eyes. It was Father's Day and I really felt like I gave Dan the best present possible!! :) Bringing him home was almost surreal....how could they send this precious bundle home with us when I had no idea what to do??? I flipped out at the nurse pushing my wheelchair out to the car...they had taken Landon's blanket off of him that they had swaddled him with and said that we could not keep it. How dare they??!! I was not pleased with this decision and Dan had to step in and let me know that it was all going to be okay. Driving home, I could not believe that 1 day ago our family was 2 and now it was 3!! Those were some of the hardest days of my life....I struggled terribly with post partum depression and at that point did not want to admit that for fear that someone would think I was a terrible mother. I loved this baby beyond measure, but on the other hand wondered, "What have we done?" My love continued to grow and blossom. I would die for this baby, but I felt so inadequate to do my job the "right way" As Landon grew and matured, I did not think that I could have another baby and love him/her as much as I loved him. Landon was a great baby......could I do this again??
Well when Landon was 4, after trying for over a year to conceive, Dalton Lane was born on July 3, 2000. My preganancy with Dalton was very different from Landon's and I was also 4 years older. I believed that I was a "good mother" based on Landon's growth and behavior to this point in time. Dan and I used to joke and say "Can you believe what great parents we are?" Okay, so you probably know what is coming.....Dalton's labor was very painful and difficult and he was 8lbs and 12 oz when he was born. I remember after he was just born, the nurses carrying him over to the scale and weighing him....all I heard was "whoa, he is a big one!" Dalton was a great baby as well, but I also suffered with post partum with him as well on an even bigger scale than Landon. As Dalton grew, Dan and I found out that our parenting wasn't as good as we thought it was. Dalton was very strong willed and did not give in to authority. We tried everything that we thought of, but nothing worked. Temper tantrums, biting and screaming were very typical in our home for many years.
I believe that when I look back on the stages that both of the boys have passed through the common denominator is love. You just cannot do it without love. I also know that I am loved by a creator who is with me every step of the way through motherhood. I love both of my boys with all of my heart and would do anything for either of them. They have very different personalities, but both of them have kind hearts that are full of love for others. I fail each and everyday. I say things that I shouldn't, I do things that I should not do, BUT when I am wrong I always apologize. I want my boys to know that I am not always right and that I make mistakes, but that God is perfect and is there for them eternally. I want my boys to posess the fruits of the spirit that come only from following Christ and NOT me. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control are all characteristics that I pray will continue to develop in each of my sons.
As I continue through this season of Motherhood, Landon is now a full blown teenager and Dalton is almost ten, entering the pre-teen years. My mothering again has to shift....There are days when Landon drives me absolutely crazy with his ranting and Dalton is still running around in his Star Wars costumes with guns asking for T video games!! Love is consistent and my prayers are constant!!
When my boys are grown, my prayer is that they will look back on their mothering with fondness, appreciation and respect. I pray that they will know that I am doing the best that I can and that God picks me up each and every time that I fall. I pray that they know I love them with every fiber of my being and that my life is fulfilled knowing that I have two beautiful sons who have blessed my life in every way possible.
I am thankful for the gift of motherhood, but humbled by the notion that I cannot do it alone and need God's help every day...be it good, bad or indifferent.
Fast forward almost 14 years and two children later and I don't feel that I am much better at my job then I was then. This calling is always changing...(darn those children...they grow up!! ) :) Each stage of their life requires me to learn more and adjust to the stage that they are in at the moment. Motherhood is so difficult, but so rewarding.
I remember the night of June 15th, 1996 very clearly...almost as if it was yesterday. Dan and I were up late that evening with pregnancy books all over the bed. We were trying to decide if I was really in labor or not!! By 3 a.m, I had decided that even if I wasn't, we were going to the hospital to find out!! By 10:30 on June 16th, I had given birth to Landon Daniel who weighed 7lbs exactly with black hair and brown eyes. It was Father's Day and I really felt like I gave Dan the best present possible!! :) Bringing him home was almost surreal....how could they send this precious bundle home with us when I had no idea what to do??? I flipped out at the nurse pushing my wheelchair out to the car...they had taken Landon's blanket off of him that they had swaddled him with and said that we could not keep it. How dare they??!! I was not pleased with this decision and Dan had to step in and let me know that it was all going to be okay. Driving home, I could not believe that 1 day ago our family was 2 and now it was 3!! Those were some of the hardest days of my life....I struggled terribly with post partum depression and at that point did not want to admit that for fear that someone would think I was a terrible mother. I loved this baby beyond measure, but on the other hand wondered, "What have we done?" My love continued to grow and blossom. I would die for this baby, but I felt so inadequate to do my job the "right way" As Landon grew and matured, I did not think that I could have another baby and love him/her as much as I loved him. Landon was a great baby......could I do this again??
Well when Landon was 4, after trying for over a year to conceive, Dalton Lane was born on July 3, 2000. My preganancy with Dalton was very different from Landon's and I was also 4 years older. I believed that I was a "good mother" based on Landon's growth and behavior to this point in time. Dan and I used to joke and say "Can you believe what great parents we are?" Okay, so you probably know what is coming.....Dalton's labor was very painful and difficult and he was 8lbs and 12 oz when he was born. I remember after he was just born, the nurses carrying him over to the scale and weighing him....all I heard was "whoa, he is a big one!" Dalton was a great baby as well, but I also suffered with post partum with him as well on an even bigger scale than Landon. As Dalton grew, Dan and I found out that our parenting wasn't as good as we thought it was. Dalton was very strong willed and did not give in to authority. We tried everything that we thought of, but nothing worked. Temper tantrums, biting and screaming were very typical in our home for many years.
I believe that when I look back on the stages that both of the boys have passed through the common denominator is love. You just cannot do it without love. I also know that I am loved by a creator who is with me every step of the way through motherhood. I love both of my boys with all of my heart and would do anything for either of them. They have very different personalities, but both of them have kind hearts that are full of love for others. I fail each and everyday. I say things that I shouldn't, I do things that I should not do, BUT when I am wrong I always apologize. I want my boys to know that I am not always right and that I make mistakes, but that God is perfect and is there for them eternally. I want my boys to posess the fruits of the spirit that come only from following Christ and NOT me. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control are all characteristics that I pray will continue to develop in each of my sons.
As I continue through this season of Motherhood, Landon is now a full blown teenager and Dalton is almost ten, entering the pre-teen years. My mothering again has to shift....There are days when Landon drives me absolutely crazy with his ranting and Dalton is still running around in his Star Wars costumes with guns asking for T video games!! Love is consistent and my prayers are constant!!
When my boys are grown, my prayer is that they will look back on their mothering with fondness, appreciation and respect. I pray that they will know that I am doing the best that I can and that God picks me up each and every time that I fall. I pray that they know I love them with every fiber of my being and that my life is fulfilled knowing that I have two beautiful sons who have blessed my life in every way possible.
I am thankful for the gift of motherhood, but humbled by the notion that I cannot do it alone and need God's help every day...be it good, bad or indifferent.
No comments:
Post a Comment